Business founder Kelvin Kao says bosses should be willing to apologise to their staff if they get something wrong, but many seem reluctant to do so for reasons such as fear of reputational damage or even legal liability.
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I had to apologise to my staff recently.
I had failed to deliver my work on time, and it resulted in a number of late night crashouts for the team as they scrambled to get the project back on schedule.
While the project got completed on time eventually, I felt that it was necessary to acknowledge my part in the matter, given the anxiety it had caused.
So I gathered the people directly affected, looked them in the eye, and said: "I am sorry."
The response was muted, and I didn’t expect otherwise. Nobody rushed to congratulate me on what a humble boss I was. There was no moving scene of collective forgiveness where we held hands and sang Kumbaya, which was probably just as well.
That response makes sense to Ms Evelyn Kwek, managing director of workplace consultancy Great Place To Work ASEAN and ANZ.
"Trust is built through small day-to-day moments, not in the grand gestures," she said. "Employees naturally take a wait-and-see approach after an apology to see if there is actual change."
WHY BOSSES DON'T APOLOGISE
It seems reasonable to expect that bosses apologise when they get something wrong. Yet why does it feel like so few do? And for those who do, why do some do it so poorly?
As a boss myself, I think it’s because we always judge ourselves by our intentions, but others by their actions. When things go awry, I always have a plausible explanation on why it happened - and why it wasn’t really my fault.
I had a lot on my plate. Nobody chased me. Nobody chased me repeatedly.
Why should I apologise?
Yet, even if those reasons were legitimate, at some point we do have to ask ourselves: Was there nothing in our power that we could have done to better the situation? Was I really so busy that I had no time to work on the project but made time for doomscrolling on Instagram?
It’s hard to be completely honest with ourselves, because it requires vulnerability and strength of character.
THE REWARDS OF NOT SAYING SORRY
Turns out, there may even be a psychological reward for not apologising. In two studies published in the European Journal of Social Psychology in 2013, researchers found that refusing to apologise could bolster the offender’s self-esteem, with feelings of power and control helping to explain the effect.
It’s how we protect our sense of self, while someone else deals with the consequences.
Dr Ruchi Sinha, an organisational psychologist and associate professor of practice at Nanyang Technological University’s Nanyang Business School, also pointed to fear of liability and differences in perspective as possible reasons why some bosses don’t apologise.
An apology can feel like an admission that might later be used against you. Leaders may worry about disciplinary action, damage to their reputation or, in some settings, legal consequences. That fear can produce carefully worded statements that express regret without accepting responsibility.
There is also a gap in perspective. A slightly delayed decision might seem like a small oversight to the boss, but for an employee, it could mean a whole week of overtime spent catching up.
Before a leader can offer a meaningful apology, they have to recognise the harm from the other person’s point of view.
WHAT ARE YOU APOLOGISING FOR?
This is why the classic “I’m sorry you feel this way” is fundamentally a non-apology.
Technically, it does contain the word “sorry”. But it’s quite a judo move in that it conveniently leaves out the root cause, while making the employee’s reaction sound like the problem.
Then there is the apology with a “but” attached.
“I’m sorry, but the deadline was tight.” “I’m sorry, but you should have told me earlier.”
It’s true that context matters when identifying what went wrong, but it should not cancel our contribution to it.
A useful apology therefore requires specificity: what I did, what it caused, and what I should have done differently.
It also requires resisting the urge to make the occasion about ourselves.
"People hear the difference between regret that centres on the person who caused harm and an apology that centres on the person affected," Dr Sinha added.
The boss feels terrible; he’s so disappointed in himself. Could someone please "sayang" him and tell him he’s still a good boss?
Don’t make the people dealing with your mistake have to look after your feelings too. An apology should not demand reassurance or forgiveness from the affected person.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY HAS LIMITS
Being specific about an apology also means understanding where responsibility begins and ends.
When you run a company, almost everything can eventually be traced back to you. An employee made a mistake, but were the instructions clear? A deadline was missed, but were sufficient resources provided?
Follow that reasoning far enough and everything becomes your fault. It is exhausting, and it does little to explain what actually happened.
Dr Sinha suggests examining what the boss could directly influence. If a boss directly caused a problem, they should own it fully.
In the case of a wider failure, they should identify what they could have anticipated, communicated or done to reduce the harm.
Taking the blame for everything may look noble, but it does not examine what went wrong and how the organisation can learn from it.
FAILING FORWARD
In reality, some mistakes cannot be undone, even with a sincere apology. An evening with family cannot be returned; a humiliating remark cannot be unheard.
In such cases, what a boss can offer is a credible reason to expect different behaviour next time: earlier decisions, clearer responsibilities, or a way to flag problems before they become crises.
How leaders respond also tells employees whether the standards they are expected to uphold apply to the boss.
How leaders respond also tells employees whether the standards they are expected to uphold apply to the boss.
"Employees' experience of how leaders respond to mistakes tells them whether accountability, honesty and speaking up are genuinely part of the culture, or simply expectations placed on everyone else but the leader," Ms Kwek said.
If I ask my team to own their mistakes and learn from them, they should be able to expect the same from me.
For my team, the true test will come when another project is faced with similar deadlines.
They will see whether I manage my time better and allocate resources more carefully.
As the old adage goes: "actions speak louder than words". Hopefully, there won’t be many more reasons for them to hear the words "I am sorry" coming from me again.
Kelvin Kao is the co-owner of a creative agency.